Grabbing Onto the Grateful Moments

Grabbing Onto the Grateful Moments

by | Aug 28, 2021

I’ll be the first to admit that my mind tends to focus primarily on the negative things that have happened to me or are going on in the world in general. I’m sure I’m not alone in this, and it is a very easy train to get on (the admission is free).

But today, I finally find myself in a quiet space where I can exhale a little bit after a chaotic few weeks (not to mention the whole year and a half).

Luckily I got enough sleep last night so, being that it’s a Saturday, I’m getting caught up on things at my own pace, with no one blowing up my phone and the world seemingly on pause. It’s in these moments that I try very hard to reflect and grab onto the things that I am most grateful for, and to sift through the darkness to find those shining nuggets of happiness. They do exist and need to be brought to the surface, otherwise, I think we get complacent.

I’m sitting in my new office in downtown Reno. Our business is doing so well that we are fortunate enough to upgrade and moved into a dream space that will allow us to continue growing and better serve our clients. We’re celebrating over 5 years in business, and I’ve been in the business full time for nearly 4 of those 5 years. Amazing.

My bills are paid, I have a steady home we’ve lived in for years, clean water, food in the fridge (and delivery on my phone), a husband who has really been there to let me lean on him more than I’ve ever needed to, and a family that loves me (even though they occasionally drive me bonkers, lol).

If my teenage self that was suffering so much could see me now, I think he would probably break down crying with relief that it did get better. That I made it out, took the risks, and made it to the other side in one piece. That I was able to find a way to live openly, honestly, and without shame of who I authentically am. What a feat!

Make no mistake, I’ve had to fight like hell for everything I have and continue to do so, as I always feel like it could all be gone tomorrow. But to take a moment and look back at how much life has improved for me and my family personally over the last 10  years since I moved to Reno is something worth taking a moment to be grateful for. It hasn’t always been easy, but dammit I’m still standing.

Many people helped get me here, and I thank you all. Some are still with us, some have moved on from this world or lost touch with me, but I hope wherever they are, they feel my gratitude.

I’m happy to be having a good day, happy for love, friendship, empathy, comfort food, coffee, our dogs, music, and the time I have on earth to try and improve things from my own little corner of the world and just focus on being a good person seeking peace and contentedness.

Someone who I greatly admire recently admitted that he was “just a trailer park kid” in a conversation, and I just LOVED how he put the words together, and that he was so open about it. I, too, am just a trailer park kid who has worked hard and been very lucky to get to where I am.

I can only hope that I will be here for many years to pull others up behind me. Why don’t we work on that together? Imagine how much better the world would be, and happier we’d all be for it.

Talking More Openly About Suicidal Ideations

Talking More Openly About Suicidal Ideations

by | Aug 27, 2021

I have been very hesitant and nervous about writing about his topic in general because suicide is such a HEAVY topic that generates a litany of reactions from folks, all valid but not always helpful to those who are experiencing suicidal ideations.

Let me start off by saying: I am not a doctor. I am sharing my own experience, what I’ve learned in therapy, and what I’ve learned from talking to others who experience similar issues.

What are suicidal ideations? According to this source, it means that you’re basically preoccupied with the idea of suicide. You may regularly think about the way you would commit suicide or think about what life would be like if you weren’t around. You may also replay the suicidal act out in your mind.

I think it’s very important for us to talk more openly and honestly about thoughts of suicide for us to even begin to do something about it. Many like myself don’t share because folks immediately think we are in immediate danger, “just being selfish”, or a bunch of other things that don’t necessarily help the situation. There is also the fear of being “locked away” if you confide in the wrong person that you are battling suicidal thoughts. This can actually make matters worse sometimes. There are times where there is an urgent need, surely, but what I’m saying is – it’s complicated and unique to everyone dealing with these thoughts.

I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts of one degree or another most of my life. It started when I was a teenager and had experienced more than my fair share of trauma and instability to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed and would pray to not wake up in the morning as I literally didn’t know how I could face another day of struggles.

In talking regularly with my therapist, she has diagnosed me as dealing with what is called passive suicidal ideations which means that I have the recurring feeling of wanting to disappear, not exist, or to die – but basically don’t go as far as making a plan or always imagining what that would look like.

These ideations tend to resurface for me when I’m feeling incredibly overwhelmed, and that things will never get better or that I am stuck in a situation or pattern that I can’t get out of. It happens when certain emotional responses occur like feeling rejected or as if nobody cares about me, or that I generally suck at life.

Passive suicidal ideations, for me, have always been mostly harmless. But, it does have the potential to get worse and become harmful, just like any other type of suicidal ideation. I am grateful that I have an understanding husband that, when I let him know what’s going on in my head, he gets it and is there for me. He knows my triggers, and he also knows that this usually happens when I’m alone with my thoughts for too long. l also have some great friends who regularly check in on me, which is lovely and always helps to quash those thoughts that “nobody cares”.

I feel that I know myself well enough that IF I ventured into making a plan to harm myself, I would reach out for help as my instinct is usually always to share my feelings with others anyway, and to be forthcoming with my struggles and limitations.

These thoughts can be very debilitating and, as I’ve shared publicly before, make it hard for me to function at times. It’s not something you can just “snap out of”. Picture that you’re chained to a treadmill in your mind and there is a video feed surrounding you of your failures and feelings of insecurity and low self-worth playing on a loop for several hours. Sometimes days. You feel exhausted, hopeless, overwhelmed, and that you can’t escape it. It’s tough, to say the least.

After many personal struggles me and my family have endured over this last year and a half, these ideations have resurfaced again and again. Sometimes as a small voice in the back of my mind, quietly whispering while I’m going about my day, to the more extreme of me stuck on the couch, teary-eyed and wishing it would all end somehow.

You may ask yourself why I am sharing this.

One, because it truly helps to talk about it. If I can get it out of my head and heart, I feel a bit better for casting out some of the darkness.

Two, because I hope it helps someone feeling similarly. When someone says “me too” it means that we are building a sense of community around the problem and in this way can better heal as individuals (I think, at least).

Three, to raise awareness that suicidal thoughts and ideations come in many shapes and sizes and that we need to be open-minded, sensitive, and compassionate towards those trying to wrap their minds around the battle going on in their head, and how to get help.

I’ve gotten help for the first time this year by going to therapy on a consistent basis and also seeing a psychiatrist who has me on a very good, structured, and well-informed medication plan that has improved my overall mental health. I highly recommend this approach, but know that it can be a little tough to find that “right fit” in terms of who you go to. I’ve been seen by some lovely folks, but we didn’t always click. It’s important, at least to me, that I’m able to establish that bond with someone I’m going to be sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings with. Understandable, right?

My hope is that those who do suffer as I do seeks help, in whatever way feels most comfortable and good to their soul, and that everyone else can be more open to talking and listening about our feelings in a more compassionate way. Sometimes I’m not really looking for someone to “save” me or help solve the problems on my mind.

Most of the time, I just need someone to hear me, validate where I’m coming from, acknowledge that its okay to not feel okay, but that things will get better. Because they always do.

I hope this helps. I feel a little better for having shared! Much love to you all. I’m doing okay and just wanted to write about this while it was on my mind.

Be kind and take care of yourself. You deserve it.

 

Welcome to My Mind

Welcome to My Mind

by | Aug 11, 2021

I bought this domain name a couple of years ago for a variety of reasons.

  1. Because it’s cool to own your name’s .com
  2. So haters can’t buy it and point it somewhere mean (yes, you’ll find I’m very paranoid)
  3. For some unthought-of project or political aspiration down the road

When I did decide to run for public office, I went in a different direction that would drive action so it was “voteforkurt” which, again, is pretty cool that I was able to snag it. So, this little spot in the internet has been neglected for a while, not unlike many other things stuck in my head.

I’m starting this website to kind of be a catch-all for, well, all things me but not in the promotional sense.

I used to blog a lot way back when MySpace wasn’t invented yet (Google it, kids) and it was incredibly therapeutic for me. A group of friends from school were doing it too and it became a “thing”. As I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting recently, I questioned why I stopped writing.

When did that happen and why?

The reason is one that I’ve spoken about a lot in public in the past. I was forcibly outed as being gay on a blog when I was 14. Afterward, I retreated into myself for self-preservation and started keeping my private thoughts to myself so that no one could use them as ammunition against me. Self-preservation seems to be a common theme in my life now that I think more about it.

Since that time, I’ve only ever written when a topic really stirred me, either positively or negatively, or benefited me in some way, like writing about business since I work for myself.

But, I’ve always had the craving to share and connect with people.

I think part of it stems from my ADHD, which I was recently diagnosed with, in which I’ve read that some folks with the disorder are prone to oversharing (I’m guilty), and secondly because growing up as a gay kid in a rural southern town of 4200 people made me feel very lonely.

When I was able to interact with people from all over the world when my family got dial-up in 1999 suddenly meant endless possibilities to connect.

I still struggle with feelings of loneliness in my head. I can be in a room full of people, at a party, even with my husband, but emotionally feel quite lonely with my thoughts and wanting to express myself without knowing the most appropriate way of doing so, or being judged.

That’s why I’m here now. Writing what is likely already too long of a blog post in which some might fund mundane, but already my juices are flowing and the words are coming out of me more easily than I could have thought when I made my mind up to do this just 24 hours ago.

I recently wrote the most vulnerable piece of my life, expressing trauma I had endured, suicidal thoughts I suffer, and my recent ADHD diagnosis for thousands of strangers to read. I was afraid of doing it at first but, once I sat down and actually did the thing it felt so right because it no longer weighed on my heart.

Once it was out in the world and had a life of its own, fluttering across the social media stratosphere, I received so many messages from people that all added up to “I see you, and I have experienced pain too”. I felt that connection that I have always craved through the time people took to write to someone they didn’t know.

The response has been deeply moving, and I wondered – should I keep writing?

After talking about it in session with my therapist (who is ah-mah-zing) I’ve decided that I will.

I’m going to write about anything and everything that is on my mind, and in a way that is easy for me and doesn’t feel like work. When it becomes a “job” it will suddenly become useless as a way for me to heal.

I’ll probably talk about my mental health a lot, my past, my worries about the future, processing thoughts and feelings, and any other random stuff that feels good. So, don’t expect categories because that’s not happening, or strict deadlines or any of that garbage. We have enough of that to deal with in the real world.

This is me putting a pause on the noise in the world and in my mind to create a space in which I can be my authentic self, honestly, vulnerably, and personally. Because I know that every time I do, I connect with more folks who are dealing with a lot of the same stuff, and we will grow and heal together through our lived experiences.

Don’t expect doom or gloom from this space just because I’m going through something now.

What a lot of people don’t know about me is that I often do a lot of introspection so, I might talk about topics I’m hyper-focused on at that moment (like the Royal Family), or periods of joy I want to share (I just bought more books on Amazon that I don’t need), or a quick nudge from me to you to say that I love you and everything is going to be okay (because it will).

We all need to hear that sometimes, even if we may not know one another. Someone I met this year taught me how to love more openly, and it has changed my heart for the better. Before I always thought of love as something that had to be rationed or you’d run out. But, giving it out more freely has changed my life.

So, this blog will basically serve as my expression of love for myself, my soul, of grace when I need it, and hopefully all those things for you all too.

Now that you’ve made it this far, I welcome you to this little corner of the internet that is comprised of my thoughts.

I hope that this place will serve as one of respite, comfort, community, and empathy for as long as I feel like writing. Perhaps I’ll have others write too in case you get tired of my babbling.

But by sharing my own experiences, I can only hope that it helps someone else.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me so that we both feel a little less alone.

Love you,
Kurt