I have been very hesitant and nervous about writing about his topic in general because suicide is such a HEAVY topic that generates a litany of reactions from folks, all valid but not always helpful to those who are experiencing suicidal ideations.
Let me start off by saying: I am not a doctor. I am sharing my own experience, what I’ve learned in therapy, and what I’ve learned from talking to others who experience similar issues.
What are suicidal ideations? According to this source, it means that you’re basically preoccupied with the idea of suicide. You may regularly think about the way you would commit suicide or think about what life would be like if you weren’t around. You may also replay the suicidal act out in your mind.
I think it’s very important for us to talk more openly and honestly about thoughts of suicide for us to even begin to do something about it. Many like myself don’t share because folks immediately think we are in immediate danger, “just being selfish”, or a bunch of other things that don’t necessarily help the situation. There is also the fear of being “locked away” if you confide in the wrong person that you are battling suicidal thoughts. This can actually make matters worse sometimes. There are times where there is an urgent need, surely, but what I’m saying is – it’s complicated and unique to everyone dealing with these thoughts.
I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts of one degree or another most of my life. It started when I was a teenager and had experienced more than my fair share of trauma and instability to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed and would pray to not wake up in the morning as I literally didn’t know how I could face another day of struggles.
In talking regularly with my therapist, she has diagnosed me as dealing with what is called passive suicidal ideations which means that I have the recurring feeling of wanting to disappear, not exist, or to die – but basically don’t go as far as making a plan or always imagining what that would look like.
These ideations tend to resurface for me when I’m feeling incredibly overwhelmed, and that things will never get better or that I am stuck in a situation or pattern that I can’t get out of. It happens when certain emotional responses occur like feeling rejected or as if nobody cares about me, or that I generally suck at life.
Passive suicidal ideations, for me, have always been mostly harmless. But, it does have the potential to get worse and become harmful, just like any other type of suicidal ideation. I am grateful that I have an understanding husband that, when I let him know what’s going on in my head, he gets it and is there for me. He knows my triggers, and he also knows that this usually happens when I’m alone with my thoughts for too long. l also have some great friends who regularly check in on me, which is lovely and always helps to quash those thoughts that “nobody cares”.
I feel that I know myself well enough that IF I ventured into making a plan to harm myself, I would reach out for help as my instinct is usually always to share my feelings with others anyway, and to be forthcoming with my struggles and limitations.
These thoughts can be very debilitating and, as I’ve shared publicly before, make it hard for me to function at times. It’s not something you can just “snap out of”. Picture that you’re chained to a treadmill in your mind and there is a video feed surrounding you of your failures and feelings of insecurity and low self-worth playing on a loop for several hours. Sometimes days. You feel exhausted, hopeless, overwhelmed, and that you can’t escape it. It’s tough, to say the least.
After many personal struggles me and my family have endured over this last year and a half, these ideations have resurfaced again and again. Sometimes as a small voice in the back of my mind, quietly whispering while I’m going about my day, to the more extreme of me stuck on the couch, teary-eyed and wishing it would all end somehow.
You may ask yourself why I am sharing this.
One, because it truly helps to talk about it. If I can get it out of my head and heart, I feel a bit better for casting out some of the darkness.
Two, because I hope it helps someone feeling similarly. When someone says “me too” it means that we are building a sense of community around the problem and in this way can better heal as individuals (I think, at least).
Three, to raise awareness that suicidal thoughts and ideations come in many shapes and sizes and that we need to be open-minded, sensitive, and compassionate towards those trying to wrap their minds around the battle going on in their head, and how to get help.
I’ve gotten help for the first time this year by going to therapy on a consistent basis and also seeing a psychiatrist who has me on a very good, structured, and well-informed medication plan that has improved my overall mental health. I highly recommend this approach, but know that it can be a little tough to find that “right fit” in terms of who you go to. I’ve been seen by some lovely folks, but we didn’t always click. It’s important, at least to me, that I’m able to establish that bond with someone I’m going to be sharing my deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings with. Understandable, right?
My hope is that those who do suffer as I do seeks help, in whatever way feels most comfortable and good to their soul, and that everyone else can be more open to talking and listening about our feelings in a more compassionate way. Sometimes I’m not really looking for someone to “save” me or help solve the problems on my mind.
Most of the time, I just need someone to hear me, validate where I’m coming from, acknowledge that its okay to not feel okay, but that things will get better. Because they always do.
I hope this helps. I feel a little better for having shared! Much love to you all. I’m doing okay and just wanted to write about this while it was on my mind.
Be kind and take care of yourself. You deserve it.